I was in the Still Room having my legs waxed the other day, and thinking for the umpteenth time what a stupid, painful, expensive business the removal of body hair is. Some men say they like women to look natural. But my natural look is akin to a werewolf, and do you know what? I don’t think that’s what they mean. Perhaps it’s cynical of me, but I’m guessing their idea of natural is young, slender, blonde, with body hair that self-combusts if it appears in the ‘wrong’ place. The reality is probably that the women they like are wearing make-up, it’s just so subtle they haven’t spotted it, and have highlights so expensive they look sun blessed. It’s not the blondes who are being dumb here. The incomparable Dolly Parton responded to being asked if she minded being called a dumb blonde by saying ‘No! Why should I? I know I’m not dumb. And I know I’m not blonde.’ Artifice has its place and Mother Nature has a vicious sense of humour. What other possible reason could there be for nose hair? Images of air-brushed, hairless women in porn and fashion shoots make the rest of us feel like freaks, and seem spookily pre-pubescent to me. Apparently art critic John Ruskin had never seen a naked woman before his wedding night, and being accustomed to hairless nudes in art, was was so shocked by his discovery of wife Effie’s freakish deformity (ie pubic hair) that he rejected her. The marriage was later annulled. Poor Effie. She should have strapped him down, got the girls round, and given him a forcible back, sack and crack wax.

Dumb Blonde - edited highlights