I challenge Ben Ward, the Lewesian comedy writer, to a game of toads in the Brewers. He’s the current European Masters champion, an annual event he organises and holds in his flat in the High Street. ‘When can you play?’ I ask. ‘Now?’ he suggests. He’s up there in a flash. I’ve bought us a drink, and bagsied the table by asking for the silver-coloured toads at the bar. He arrives with his own brass discs. “The Brewers table is very particular because of its lack of a back-board and its severe slope,” he says, and we start playing. He chalks up two 31’s on the blackboard and I ‘serve’. This is a slight advantage, I’m told.

I don’t make it tell. There are two types of throw in Toads, the ‘drop-back’ and the ‘slider’. The Brewers table, because of its slope, suits the former, Ben’s favoured throw, whereby you aim for the toad to land at an angle beyond the hole, into which it retreats. The slider is aimed in front of the hole, landing flat, and skidding in. I develop a third type of throw, which involves bouncing the toad off the board at a high speed after which it lands on the floor. Pretty soon the scoreboard shows the gulf in class between us. A little coaching (‘get more height to your throw’) leads to my first toad in the hole, but I soon revert to form. Ben scores out (you need to finish on nought) when I’m still on 18. Too bad. Next time. AL